Exercise is bad for my existentialism.
Sep 12-13, 2014
there is an idea
that art is a spark
a flash of lightning
a sound of thunder
that unkempt, un-tindered, will blink out of existence.
I have been ignoring my sparks as of late.
Be it by existential crisis, lack of sleep, lack of food, whathaveyou.
but they are going unfanned, non-siezed.
Many times, there is a voice in my head. The voice of my breaking point.
Saying “this is your last moment to capture this piece, this idea, this thing. do it or it will die.” and I promptly and efficiently do nothing at all.
But I’m quite tired, and every time I try to read I’m getting these really bad headaches, so I’m reduced to listening to music and radiolab while playing minecraft.
And I’m trying to use Tinder to talk about philosophy with strangers, but I keep swiping left too often, and even the ones I do match with, conversation doesn’t even begin most of the time. When it does, it’s great. But too far inbetween.
And it’s all my fault I know.
I am cognizant. There is this revealing pattern, like a hermit crawling into his corner, writing notes from the underground with grumbling voice. All the while aware my spiteful actions only hurt myself. I find Dostoyevsky too emotionally painful to even read.
And there’s lots of self help videos out there, and lots of ways I could succeed with very little effort. I have the connections, I have the ability, and just don’t do it. I’m not even sure I don’t want it enough. I could go into other fields, more profitable. Change to Statistics at a different school. But I’m feeling a bit stuck. And a bit lazy. Not in a unaware couch potato way, but just in an inability to concentrate kind of way. I worked till five today. And since that moment I haven’t done any homework. I’ve listened to my pieces for orchestra and some electronic music and some RadioLab about pop culture and nihilism while playing minecraft and I’ve hit up my facebook like it’s a crack pipe, but I’m not feeling it today. it’s 1213 am.
I’m quite sleepy. I need to get back to my obligations. I feel exceptionally busy, and I’m invited to join a fraternity on top of that. and They say showing up is half the battle. Well. I’m here, and I’m almost always in class. But the other half just ain’t happenin yet.
lightning in a bottle.